When exploring Islamic marriage, people have different perspectives on the issue of Sharia, rights, and duties within the family. Some view the marital relationship as if it were between inanimate objects, running mechanically. Others view it as a purely emotional relationship that revolves around desires; the degree of connection between the spouses is proportional to the level of desire. Thus, if the direction of this desire shifts, a deficit occurs in the strategic reserve of love, respect, and the fulfillment of marital rights.

The truth is that both of these groups have strayed far from the true image of married life that Islam came to establish between a man and a woman after a contract described as a “solemn covenant.” This marital bond grows and endures through mutual rights, and it grows even more through kind companionship (Al-‘Eshra bil-Ma’ruf). Indeed, sincere benevolence mends many aspects of flaw and deficiency.

The Prophet’s companionship with his wives and his refined treatment stems from the Almighty’s saying: (And live with them in kindness). The purpose of this good companionship is for the souls of the spouses to meet. If they drift apart, it should not be to the extent that each soul stands in a distant chasm from the other, where the distance increases with every negative situation between them.

Kind Companionship When Disliked Traits Appear

People with good souls are those who hold fast to good morals in the darkest of circumstances. Among the matters that are difficult for the soul is when some wives do things that sadden their husbands. Here, the true mettle of people is revealed: Does he meet a bad deed with its equal, or with something worse? Or does he repel it with what is better and gentler, so that the one who initiated the wrongdoing feels the gravity of their offense—if they have a living conscience—and then transforms into a supporter of the one who treated them well? For souls are innately disposed to love those who treat them kindly. This requires immense strength and beautiful patience: (But none is granted it except those who are patient, and none is granted it except one having a great portion [of good]) [Fussilat: 35].

The patience of good-natured people in bearing harm does not mean silence or inaction. Rather, it is a positive patience that correctly diagnoses the ailment, selects the most appropriate remedies, and realizes that time is part of the cure. Thus, haste does not drive them to use a stick instead of a word, nor a sword instead of a stick. They search for the causes of marital discord and lack of harmony, and they mend what has been corrupted with patience, forbearance, and deliberation.

Kind Companionship is a Mutual Marital Right Between Spouses

Sheikh Rashid Rida noted a great meaning regarding the Sunnah of marriage that few have paid attention to, which is that kind companionship is not an obligation upon the man alone: “And in companionship, there is a meaning of sharing and equality; meaning, live with them in kindness, and let them live with you in the same way… The purpose is for each of them to be a source of joy to the other, and a cause of happiness in their life” [1]. Every good deed we call upon men to do, women must also perform. For a woman’s good companionship with her husband is a noble act of worship that raises her ranks with Allah and with people; indeed, it reforms the entire society. In our daily interactions, we often see quick-tempered, moody men, and the wise quickly understand that this is due to a wife who has made his life miserable, causing him to go out and ruin people’s lives with his distress and quick temper.

There are many forms of kind companionship in married life, including: A cheerful countenance when meeting one’s family. If smiling in the face of a brother you do not know is a charity, how should a smile be in the face of a wife, who has a great right? Smiling along with greeting opens the locks of hearts. Gentleness works wonders, and to understand its importance, we turn to the Almighty’s saying: (And if you had been rude [in speech] and harsh in heart, they would have disbanded from about you) [Al Imran: 159]. If the Prophet, whom Allah sent with guidance and supported with miracles, would not find anyone around him if he treated them with harshness and roughness, what do those with rough and abrasive natures expect from those around them? Undoubtedly, estrangement and distance would be the most suitable outcome. Another aspect of kind companionship is refraining from harm, which is a magnificent act of worship that brings psychological peace and tranquility to the home. The worst of people is the one whom people abandon to avoid his obscenity [2]. Perfecting good companionship also involves overlooking lapses, which is evidence of a broad chest. For who is there that has never done wrong? Making excuses and forgiving are among the traits of the noble, who know that every son of Adam is a sinner, and they distinguish between a mistake stemming from an ingrained trait and a lapse about which it is said, “Every horse stumbles.”

The Prophet (peace be upon him) presented many examples of kind companionship with a wife. He (peace be upon him) used to help them with household chores. Aisha (may Allah be pleased with her) said: “He used to be in the service of his family,” meaning helping his family [3]. He would joke with them and speak to them in a pampering manner, calling Aisha by saying: “O Aish” [4]. He would tolerate jealousy with forbearance and a broad chest, and he would keep them company. Abdullah bin Abbas (may Allah be pleased with him) said: “The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) conversed with his family [meaning Maymunah] for an hour, then he slept.” (Dialogue between spouses forms the umbilical cord from which marital happiness feeds. It is important not just for solving problems, but for preventing them. It is clear that a woman hates stagnation in married life and wants it to be full of movement, communication, give-and-take, and dialogue. If she feels that any of this is below the required level, she is ready to fabricate a problem of some sort just to restore vitality to their shared life. Dialogue, in a woman’s view, is a touch of tenderness she waits for from her husband. For all these reasons, it is important for spouses to converse, stay up chatting, complain to each other, and seek each other’s counsel in matters that concern them) [5].

Part of his good companionship (peace be upon him) with his family was that “He used to send the daughters of the Ansar to Aisha to play with her. If she desired something that contained no prohibition, he would follow her in it. When she drank from a vessel, he would take it, place his mouth exactly where her mouth had been, and drink. When she took meat from a bone—a bone with meat on it—he would take it and place his mouth exactly where her mouth had been. He used to recline in her lap and read the Quran while his head was in her lap, even when she was menstruating. He would command her to wear a waist-wrapper while she was menstruating, and then he would be intimate with her. He would kiss her while fasting. Part of his kindness and good character with his family was that he enabled her to play and showed her the Abyssinians playing in his mosque while she leaned on his shoulders to watch. He raced her on foot twice during travel, and they playfully jostled when leaving the house once. Sometimes, he would extend his hand to one of his wives in the presence of the others. After praying Asr, he would visit his wives, approach them, and check on their conditions. When night fell, he would return to the house of the one whose turn it was and dedicate the night to her. Aisha said: ‘He did not favor any of us over the others in the time he spent with us during his division. Hardly a day passed without him visiting all of us, approaching every woman without intimacy, until he reached the one whose turn it was, and he would spend the night with her.'” [1]

When we reflect on these narrations regarding the Sunnah, we find that in their entirety they indicate a tender heart that considers the feelings of his wives. This is evident in the following:

  • Aisha (may Allah be pleased with her) grew up and became a wife, but her love for play did not end. The Prophet (peace be upon him) considered this psychological need and fulfilled it himself by sending the daughters of the Ansar to her so they could play with her.
  • The Prophet (peace be upon him) shared in her play when he raced her during travel after his companions had moved ahead of them.
  • He fulfilled her request when he allowed her to watch the Abyssinians playing, and she heard the Prophet (peace be upon him) encouraging them to play more. The Prophet (peace be upon him) stood until she had had enough of watching them play. “She said to the players: ‘I would love to see them.’ She said: So the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) stood up, and I stood at the door, looking between his ears and his shoulder, while they played in the mosque” [6].
  • Jostling when leaving the house is a kind of fun that brings happiness. We would like to emphasize that the Mother of the Believers, Aisha’s (may Allah be pleased with her) love for play did not prevent her from striving for intellectual perfection. Enjoying permissible personal desires and giving oneself the right to recreation did not prevent her from seeking the pleasure of Allah.
  • Part of his good companionship (peace be upon him) was that he would follow her in what she loved as long as it agreed with the Sharia and did not cross the limits of Allah. When we see this expression, we realize how much expansiveness exists in the Sunnah of the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him)—an expansiveness that some have overlooked, or seen but turned away from. We also notice that Lady Aisha was the one who initiated, and the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) followed her, and this did not diminish the status of the Prophet (peace be upon him).
  • Part of good companionship is expressing affection in a beautiful manner, such as tracking the spots of Lady Aisha’s mouth on food and drink, so that the Prophet (peace be upon him) would eat and drink from the exact same spot.
  • Among the things that help in good companionship is what the Prophet (peace be upon him) was described as doing: he “would feign ignorance over what he disliked” [7]. This is a sign of intellectual perfection, self-control, understanding the ultimate consequences of matters, and leaving the door open for the wrongdoer to return or be corrected with wisdom and deliberation.
  • Good companionship stems from a pure heart that loves to bring joy to those around it. People in our time have imagined that this can only be achieved by spending vast amounts of money and traveling to distant places.

Good Companionship and the Limits of Allah in the Family

His good companionship (peace be upon him) with his wives continued as he made room for them in his heart and showed them compassion in a way that relieved pain. Yet, despite his compassion, mercy, and gentleness, he never crossed the limits of Allah Almighty. If he corrected them, gentleness and forbearance accompanied his words and actions. Al-Qastallani said: “Such were his conditions (peace be upon him) with his wives: he would not be harsh with them and would excuse them. If he established a standard of justice among them, he did so without agitation or anger” [8]. This is what many lack today, believing that restoring someone to the truth must be done with harshness and anger. Undoubtedly, forbearance requires immense self-control, but life cannot do without it, as it is far less costly than recklessness.

The Prophet (peace be upon him) made a man’s good treatment of his wife the scale by which men are weighed, saying: “The best of you is the best to his family, and I am the best among you to my family” [9].

By Muhammad Atiyyah