The Prophetic Sunnah is the second source of legislation after the Quran and also serves as a source of ethical guidance. A Muslim is not at liberty to choose whether to follow it and regulate their behavior accordingly; rather, they are obligated to do so, as affirmed by the verse: “And whatever the Messenger has given you – take; and what he has forbidden you – refrain from” (Quran 59:7). In the following lines, an attempt is made to derive some ethical principles governing the marital relationship as presented by the Prophetic Sunnah, specifically applied to the Book of Marriage from Sahih al-Bukhari.
Definition of the Book of Marriage
Sahih al-Bukhari, or “The Authentic Collection of the Messenger of Allah’s (ﷺ) Affairs, Sunnahs, and Days,” is considered the most important collection of Hadith by consensus among Islamic scholars. Ibn Hajar in Hady al-Sari in the introduction to Fath al-Bari states that it is the most authentic classified book of Prophetic Hadith. Imam al-Dhahabi concurs, asserting that it is the most authentic book after the Book of Allah (Quran). It contains 7,275 Hadiths distributed across various books such as: Tawheed (Monotheism), Prayer, Knowledge, Tafsir (Exegesis), Marriage, and others.
The Book of Marriage contains 176 Hadiths directly narrated from the Prophet (ﷺ) and is divided into 124 chapters. Imam al-Bukhari opened it with the chapter on “Encouragement of Marriage” and concluded it with the chapter on “A man asks his friend, ‘Have you married tonight?’ and the man thrusts his hand into his wife’s side during reproach.” It addresses various topics such as: encouraging marriage and discouraging temporary marriages (mut’ah), the procedures and conditions for declaring marriage, the rights of spouses and their mutual obligations, consideration for each other, and the etiquettes of marital cohabitation.
The Hadiths in this book are the most authentic reports from the Prophet (ﷺ) regarding marital relationships and how he treated his wives during the Prophetic House. This adds significance as they include moral directives and behavioral rules that spouses must observe. The approach is to first elucidate some of these ethical principles by analyzing certain Hadiths, followed by presenting models that illustrate the etiquettes of dialogue between spouses and their mannerisms.
Marital Ethics in Islam
Upon examining the Book of Marriage, several etiquettes that should prevail in marital life can be derived, including:
Respect
Respect is the most crucial pillar of marital life and cannot be envisioned without it. Several Hadiths reinforce and express this, including the following Hadith:
“Aasiyah (RA) said: Al-Zubayr married me, and he had no wealth or property on earth, nor anything other than a donkey and a horse. I was feeding his horse, drawing water, guarding his livestock, and grinding grain, and I was not good at baking. The Ansar women used to bake for me, and I was honest in my dealings. I was transporting the wheat from Al-Zubayr’s land, which the Prophet (ﷺ) had cut off over my head, and it was two-thirds of my share. One day, the wheat was on my head when I met the Prophet (ﷺ) with some Ansar. He called me and said, ‘Come, come,’ to carry me behind him. I felt shy to walk with men, and I mentioned Al-Zubayr and his jealousy. Al-Zubayr was jealous of people, so the Prophet (ﷺ) knew I was shy and moved on. I returned to Al-Zubayr and said, ‘Meet me with the Prophet (ﷺ) and the wheat on my head with his companions.’ I hesitated to ride, feeling shy of him and recognizing his jealousy. He said, ‘By Allah, carrying the wheat was harder on me than riding with you.’ Aasiyah (RA) said: Until Abu Bakr sent me a servant to manage the horse, as if he had freed me.
(Sahih al-Bukhari)
This Hadith illustrates that Aasiyah (RA) endured the hardship of carrying heavy wheat over long distances. When the Prophet (ﷺ) saw her struggling, he showed compassion and called her to ride with him and the Ansar. However, she declined out of respect for her husband’s feelings and her own shyness around men. This reflects a heightened respect for the husband, demonstrating that despite her hardships and her husband’s absence, she prioritized his feelings and honored his jealousy. Some spouses may argue that jealousy is not a rational excuse and may resist adhering to such principles.
Cooperation
Marital life does not thrive without cooperation between spouses and the division of roles. In the aforementioned Hadith, Aasiyah (RA) considered her husband’s circumstances, as he could not provide a servant or property to assist her. She took on household duties and also helped him in his agricultural work by carrying wheat on her head. This indicates that both spouses should share the burden of family responsibilities proportionally, each according to their ability and field. If one spouse needs support, the other should promptly offer assistance.
Forgiveness
Forgiveness is a virtuous trait that should be cultivated, as life inevitably includes mistakes and transgressions from both parties, many of which can be forgiven. This is evident in several Hadiths, including the following:
“Anas (RA) reported: The Prophet (ﷺ) was with some of his wives when one of the Mothers of the Believers sent a container (of food). The woman serving the Prophet (ﷺ) struck it with the servant’s hand, causing the container to fall and split. The Prophet (ﷺ) collected the broken pieces and then gathered the food from the container, saying, ‘Your mother-in-law was jealous.’ He then confined the servant until a container was brought from the woman whose container was broken. The Prophet (ﷺ) took the intact container to the one who broke hers and kept the broken one with Aasiyah (RA).”
(Sahih al-Bukhari)
From this Hadith, it appears that Lady Aisha (RA) was jealous of the Prophet (ﷺ) when the servant’s hand accidentally broke the container. The Prophet (ﷺ) responded by collecting the broken pieces and ensuring that Aasiyah (RA) kept the intact container while sending a new one to the woman whose container was broken. Ibn Hajar interprets the Prophet’s (ﷺ) statement “Your mother-in-law was jealous” as an apology to prevent blame for her actions, indicating forgiveness for her unintentional behavior driven by natural jealousy. Such behaviors warrant forgiveness from both spouses, avoiding prolonged grievances over unintentional actions.
Patience and Deliberation
Some spouses believe that attaining their legitimate rights can be pursued at any time without considering the other party’s readiness and willingness. The Prophet (ﷺ) emphasized that the foundation of the marital relationship lies in the mutual readiness and desire of both parties, not just one side:
“Jabir reported: I was with the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) during a battle, and when we secured the camp, I hurried to mount a camels’ hump. A rider caught up with me from behind, and I turned to see the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) asking, ‘Why are you hurrying?’ I replied, ‘I have recently entered marriage.’ He said, ‘Quickly, marry Umm Thiab.’ I said, ‘I have married Umm Thiab.’ He asked, ‘Would you allow a girl to play with her and you to play with her?’ He said, ‘When we returned, we went to enter, and he said, ‘Wait until you enter at night (i.e., dinner) so that you can comb your hair and remove the shroud.'”
(Sahih al-Bukhari)
This Hadith highlights the necessity for a husband to be patient when requesting something from his wife, allowing her time to prepare mentally and physically. Daily obligations can drain energy, leaving little room for spontaneous readiness. Therefore, patience is essential to ensure that both spouses are prepared and willing. Additionally, some spouses harbor doubts about their wives’ behavior, leading them to surprise their wives at unexpected times. The Hadith explicitly prohibits such actions, emphasizing the importance of trust over suspicion in the marital relationship.
Emotional Support
Emotional support is a cornerstone of a successful family life. The Prophet (ﷺ) exemplified this by engaging with his wives’ interests. This is evident from the Hadith of Umm Zar‘a:
“Aisha (RA) said: Eleven women sat together and made a pact not to conceal anything from their husbands. The Prophet (ﷺ) listened to their conversations, which included details that might seem troubling to a man, and he did not interrupt her but responded warmly, saying, ‘I was like Abu Zar‘a to Umm Zar‘a.‘ This directive emphasizes the importance of a husband sharing in his wife’s interests, even if they seem trivial to him. The Prophet (ﷺ) went further by asking to participate in his wife’s pastimes and play, as seen in the Hadith of Aisha (RA): ‘The Abyssinians were playing, and the Prophet (ﷺ) watched me until I turned away, and they appreciated the value of a young girl’s presence and playfulness.'”
(Sahih al-Bukhari)
This illustrates that a husband should share and engage in his wife’s interests, fostering a strong emotional bond. The Prophet’s (ﷺ) willingness to listen and participate in his wives’ activities demonstrates the importance of mutual emotional support, enhancing marital harmony.
Etiquette of Dialogue Between Spouses
Some believe that family life does not thrive on meaningful dialogue and rational discussions between spouses, assuming that a wife should obey her husband’s commands without discussion. This misconception overlooks the fact that the Prophet’s wives would consult, question, and seek guidance from him on matters affecting them. Numerous examples illustrate this, such as the following Hadith of Aisha (RA):
“She purchased a picture with images, and when the Prophet (ﷺ) saw it, he stood at the door without entering, recognizing her displeasure. She said, ‘O Messenger of Allah, I repent to Allah and to His Messenger. What have I transgressed?’ He said, ‘What is wrong with this picture?’ She replied, ‘I bought it to sit on and adorn it.’ The Prophet (ﷺ) responded, ‘Those who make images will be tortured on the Day of Judgment and will be told to bring back what they created.'”
(Sahih al-Bukhari)
In this Hadith, Aisha (RA) noticed the Prophet’s (ﷺ) displeasure upon seeing the picture she bought. She sought his understanding of his disapproval, and he explained the consequences of creating images. This mutual understanding highlights the necessity of open and meaningful dialogue between spouses, emphasizing that communication should be governed by reason and logic, much like any other discussion.
Furthermore, another Hadith of Aisha (RA) demonstrates the importance of honest and thoughtful conversation:
“Aisha (RA) said: The Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said to me, ‘I know when you are pleased with me and when you are displeased with me.’ I asked, ‘How do you know that?’ He said, ‘When you are pleased, you say, “No, by the Lord of Ibrahim,” and when you are displeased, you say, “No, by the Lord of Ibrahim.”‘ I said, ‘Yes, indeed, O Messenger of Allah.’ He said, ‘Indeed, I do not abandon anything except your name.'”
(Sahih al-Bukhari)
This Hadith indicates that Aisha (RA) could interpret the Prophet’s (ﷺ) moods based on her observations, suggesting that marital dialogue involves understanding each other’s emotional states and responding appropriately. Such mutual understanding is essential for a successful marital relationship, dispelling myths about the supposed naivety or simplicity of women’s perspectives.
Conclusion
In summary, the Book of Marriage in Sahih al-Bukhari contains numerous ethical directives and principles that should be adhered to in the marital relationship. These guidelines emphasize respect, cooperation, forgiveness, patience, emotional support, and meaningful dialogue between spouses, fostering a harmonious and successful marital life.
By Fatima Hafiz
